ornaments of beauty

Last post about Christmas, I promise.

Our tree was decorated a little differently this year. When it came time to put on the ornaments, I just wasn't "feeling" my usuals, so I decided that the kids and I would be artsy-crafty and make most of the ornament with Christmas fun/homeschool art projects.

The results were interesting, but not exactly beautiful.



But they were full of lots of beads, and glue, and paint.
(Next year I will have to be a little more focused on creating ornaments that are actually pretty.)

Besides the kids' crafty creations, I did hang up all my "Natalie ornaments" from years past. A week before Christmas I still didn't have this year's, so I went out to Hallmark which very often has the one that is just right. They didn't fail me this year either. I knew I had found the perfect ornament when my eyes welled up after spotting it.



Every life leaves something beautiful behind


I use the word beautiful very often when talking about Natalie. Sometimes I wonder if people understand or think me odd. When I first lost her, I wouldn't have understood. I wouldn't have wanted to understand. In the beginning it was hard to think about how God was going to use a stillbirth in my life. I just wanted my baby.

But my loving Father knew how sad I was, and He saw me cry. And my God is a wise God and a Good Shepherd.

Grief and questions turned to hope and faith. Anxiety turned into peace. Tears slowly wained as I rested, comforted, under the shadow of His wings.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion,
to give unto them

beauty for ashes,

the oil of joy for mourning,

the garment of praise

for the spirit of heaviness;

that they might be called
trees of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD,
that he might be glorified.
Isaiah 61:3

It is true, Natalie has left behind much beauty. God's lovingkindness, so clearly and tenderly displayed through His word and through His saints is beautiful. The unity and stronger ties created between Adam and me as we grieved and healed together is beautiful. Knowing I have Jesus who not only walked with me through the valley of the shadow of death, but also brought me back to the land of the living is beautiful. That I can share the joy and hope of Heaven with my three children on earth, and they can understand they have a big sister waiting for them there, is beautiful.

Loss is hard. Life is so short. I think of those of you who had a baby this year that was in Heaven before it ever made it to your arms. I think of those of you who lost a beloved parent or grandparent. Maybe some of you lost a brother or sister. Some may be grieving the death of a spouse or child. There may be some who lost an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, a dear friend; there is sadness in many lives, I'm sure. My hope is that in time, you too will be able to see the beauty left behind.

it's Monday

Yesterday was a lovely day. I had fun getting the kids dressed in their new outfits, church was a blessing, lunch at my mother-in-law's was yummy.

The kids outfits are now soaking in the washing machine, the resulting bloat from lunch has gone, but a line from my pastor's message yesterday has played again and again in my mind. The message was about the victory side of Calvary. At one point He was talking about how, as Christians, we can approach struggles with sin. He said (as best as I can remember) "We complain about a sin, or we say 'I'm always going to struggle with this sin' or 'I can't get the victory over this.' No!! You have all the power of the universe!"

Yes, the Savior is loving and kind, but He is also powerful and victorious. And that power is mine to claim as His child because He conquered death and He conquered sin. I needed to be reminded that Jesus has all the power I need to be victorious. I can mother today expecting to be overwhelmed and at some point lose my cool and act sinfully and selfishly, or I can mother depending on the power of Jesus to stomp out the selfish monster, and be the minister of love and care I know I should be.

Jesus is the victory!

So much

This is a busy week. On Monday my mother-in-law was over to spend time with the kids, so I went shopping alone for a couple hours. Tuesday was the Crayola Factory with friends. Today I babysat this gal's nephew for a couple hours in the morning which was really fun. The little guy is three weeks younger than my Katie but can speak much more clearly and say more words, so Joey was asking him to say a different word every twenty seconds. And Katie had another little person to enjoy the trains with. After his mommy took him home, we packed up to head out to finish Christmas shopping at Kohl's and Wal-Mart, eat a free lunch at McDonald's with my trick-or-treat coupons, and make a final stop at Wegman's for a few food things. Tonight is my mom's birthday, so we will go over to her house for dinner and presents before church.

Tomorrow is Adam's day off with just a few house projects planned for the morning. Then Friday is a Christmas party at my friend's house, along with my sister and her kids - ten kids, three moms - it will be fun! And then Saturday is Caramel Corn day, but I'll fill you in on that later.

This week has been busy, as well as a bit trying in the parenthood department. Monday and Tuesday were very discouraging as I had to deal with some misbehavior. I have never really felt such a heavy heart, or such disappointment as the result of bad behaviour before. Those two days were hard to get through (with no help from the hormone department). But those days passed and today was a new day. We had fun with our little visitor, the kids were well-behaved and happy while I was shopping, and the fuzzy fog has lifted from my brain and heart.

Sometimes when I feel like one day melts indistinguishably into the next, or question what I am really doing, or wonder if this is ever going to feel successful, or wish I were doing something entirely different from what the day's schedule presents, I am thankful for Psalm 37:3.

Trust in the LORD and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

It is God's answer to all those feelings and questions. I must continue to do good, trust in the goodness of Jehovah, and He will take care of me. I had some terribly ugly moments on Monday and Tuesday. I was not the mother or wife I should be. God's mercy was given, and I am so grateful. I am thankful He gives me today, another chance to do good and trust in Him to give me the grace I need. And this very flawed mama needs that grace, let me tell you. Sometimes I am a big, fat failure; but God never fails me.

Today is good. I am looking forward to the rest of my week, and all the new mornings that provide more opportunities to trust, and do, and dwell, and be fed.

Good enough

I am so glad I do not have to work my way to Heaven.

I am eternally grateful for the free gift of salvation. What if salvation was because of my good works? I would have to work hard everyday to prove to the Lord that I love him enough, that I am dedicated enough, that I am worthy; and everyday I would fail, fail, fail.

I can never prove my goodness to the LORD, because I am not good.

What a relief to know that Jesus's goodness is good enough. I enter Heaven claiming Jesus. And then spend the rest of eternity praising Him. It is simple and magnificently wonderful at the same time.

Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost; Titus 3:5

It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect. Psalm 18:32

That is good enough for me.

Sacrifice

My pastor preached on Wednesday about the many feasts and sacrifices of the children of Isreal. I came to church really tired, and when he first starting expounding on the feasts, I was wondering if my brain was going to hold out. It did, and when he got to the application, wow, was it good:

1) All sacrifice should point to Christ
2) Christ pleases the Father
3) Make much of Christ

My sacrifice should point to Christ. My motive must be to please Christ, not myself, or my sacrifice does not please the Father. And if I am making much of Christ, He will be the center of my worship, my attention, my thoughts, my life. Everything.

It is really easy for me to feel like my life is very simple and not all that exciting to God. I feel like my "sacrifice" of my time with the children, or work around the house, or serving my husband is pretty pointless somedays. But if I perform all those tasks "as unto the LORD", I am pleasing the Father, no matter how boring it looks to me.

It is hard to remember that. It is so much easier to see one more task completed with no thanks. It is easy to feel frustrated because I am doing the exact same thing today that I did yesterday. It is easy for me to feel sorry for myself because I can have a really successful day and nobody notices.

When I feel that way it is because I am sacrificing for me. I want to be the good mom, the good home maker, and the good wife. I really want to be good at what I do. But instead of working hard so that at the end of the day I am pleased with my job well done, I need to just bring my motherhood, my homemaking, and my marriage as an offering to Christ. The fact that He is glorified is my reward. I get to please the Creator of the universe because I change diapers, sweep floors, and give hugs and kisses. That is amazing and wonderful and I can't understand why He would even give me the chance.